When someone close to you passes away, it is a time for bereavement and reflection. However, there are so many practical things that need to be taken care of.
Some of them might be obvious, some less so. Here is a practical guide to help you through this difficult time. Let us take some of the pressure off by helping you know exactly what needs to be done and when.
Informing People Of A Death
Letting people know that someone has died is a very difficult task. What you say will be dependent on your relationship to the deceased and the person you are informing. It will also be affected by their relationship to the person who has died.
Sometimes the news is expected, perhaps the person has had a long illness. It’s a good idea to keep things simple; it is better to say that the cause of death is not yet known rather than speculating and having to correct yourself later on.
There are several companies and organisations who need to be told about the death; banks, mortgage companies etc. Some are urgent, some less so. Please refer to our more detailed post on who to inform and what information they will need.
Family
It isn’t ideal but there will be some people you will need to tell over the telephone. There may be others who really should be given the news face to face. You may need to decide who is best suited to do this job. It might be obvious to you who the most appropriate person is to do this. This should really be done within the first day or two so people do not learn of the death by accident.
If the death has occurred in hospital, hospice or care home there may be a private space that staff can make available to you to use for the most urgent calls. Staff members may offer to help and support you, especially if you are on your own. Try to make only the most urgent calls and keep the rest for when you get home. Work on a ‘who needs to know’ basis and remember to think of your own emotional wellbeing too.
There are organisations to help bereaved children. These can be an invaluable source of support.
Friends
The death of a close friend is a major bereavement and can sometimes be overlooked by others because it is not something they were privy to.
You will often know who the deceased’s closest friends were and how they can be contacted. Address books and mobile phones might be a big help here. The closest friends will usually lead you to find the contact details of other friends and acquaintances and may also take on the burden of informing others.
Collection Of The Body
If someone dies completely unexpectedly and you are the first person to discover what has happened, clearly the best idea is to dial 999 and ask for the police and ambulance services to attend. You will be asked certain questions by the operator with regards to resuscitation attempts.
Upon arrival, paramedics will either attempt resuscitation or confirm the death. Leave the area untouched apart from any attempt at resuscitation.
If the death was expected, you should contact the deceased’s GP or a nearby doctor. This can be done the following if death occurred during the night, unless you want to. If the cause of death is known and from natural causes the doctor will issue the documents to allow you to register the death.
The police will arrange a funeral director to come and move the body on behalf of the coroner if the death is unexpected. If it is an expected death and this is confirmed by a doctor, you may call a funeral director of your own choice when the time is right. Funeral directors normally provide a 24hr service to move the deceased to a funeral home.
If a death was undiscovered for a while or involved trauma, you may require specialist services. There are companies that do this with sensitivity and discretion.
Visiting Your Loved One
It is a very personal choice as to whether you wish to visit the deceased at a chapel of rest or not. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and what suits one person will be unbearable for another. Especially when it comes to something like viewing the body of a loved one who has passed away.
In most cases it will be possible to view the person who has died in the chapel of rest before the funeral and say your last goodbyes. Some people find this helps them come to terms with the death.
It is entirely up to you if you wish to view the body or not. Your funeral company should discuss this with you and help make the right decision. If you decide to go ahead, they will agree a suitable day and time for you to visit, usually a couple of days before the funeral, once all of the legal documentation has been completed by the doctors or coroner.
Registering A Death
When a loved one passes away, one of the first things that needs to be done is registering the death. How this is done will depend on where the person died and the nature of the death. Deaths are registered by a registrar and this must take place within 5 days in England, Wales and Northern Ireland and within 8 days in Scotland. Most registrars operate appointment systems.
In England and Wales, it is possible to delay registration for a further 9 days as long as the registrar receives written confirmation that a medical cause of death certificate has been signed by a doctor.
The person who registers the death is formally known as the ‘the informant’. And must be a relative or other individual who is qualified by law to register a death. This will also depend on where the death occurred.
When you register a death, you must take with you the medical certificate of cause of death (unless the coroner has issued their paperwork directly to the registrar).
If possible, take the following documents. They are not absolutely essential but can help provide extra information the registrar might need.
- NHS card (also called the medical card)
- Birth certificate
- Driving licence
- Council tax bill
- Marriage or civil partnership certificate (if applicable)
- If possible please take the National Insurance number and the number of a surviving spouse or civil partner.
- Passport
- Proof of address (e.g. utility bill)
When registering a death the registrar will require the following information about the deceased:
- Date and place of death
- The address of the person
- Their full name (including maiden name), former married names or other names by which the deceased was known
- Place and date of birth. Only the country of origin is required for people born outside the UK
- Their occupation
- Details of their wife or husband or civil partner
- Any government pension or other benefits held
The registration process will take around 30 minutes.
Paying For A Funeral
Paying for a funeral can be an expensive undertaking. Who pays and how they do it and financial help are all considerations that need to be taken care of.
Recent figures show a funeral arranged using a funeral director costs on average £4,078. Sometimes, the person who has passed away took out a funeral plan which means many of the funeral costs have been taken care of. With a funeral plan, you have to use that funeral director that the deceased has allocated in the plan or one from an approved list.
Do check exactly what’s covered by the plan before you arrange the funeral. Funeral plans often don’t always cover all the expenses be prepared to pay for some of the costs yourself.
Other people will have what is known as ‘funeral insurance’. This is intended to pay out a fixed lump sum which should cover the cost of a funeral (Often known as an over 50s plan). When the lump sum is paid out, it can be used to pay for any funeral director. Make sure you know how much the lump sum is before you make any funeral arrangements.
Other people will have money in their estate that will have to be used to cover it. If this is the case, the executor of the will should take care of allocating money for the funeral bill. Otherwise, usually a relative or friend will have to pay for the funeral. Costs can be recovered from the estate if there’s enough in it.
If there is no money in the estate or friends and family are unable to cover the costs of a funeral, the local council can conduct a ‘Public Health Funeral. This is usually a cremation and can be attended but the local authority will allocate a date and time.
There is normally a short service, but extras such as flowers, cars or notices are not included. If a person is claiming benefits, a Funeral Payment from the government may be available to help you pay for the funeral. More about government funeral schemes are covered elsewhere.
Coffins
There is a very wide range of coffins that can be chosen from (depending on funeral director). These can range from the most simple, basic, eco coffin to the truly elaborate, solid oak, velvet lined top of the range coffin, and can be suitable for burial or cremation. For many, choosing a coffin may be distressing, but it is something that needs consideration.
Coffins and caskets are different things. Caskets are rectangular and tend to be quite elaborate, often with split open top for viewing. Coffins are the more traditional six sided shape, with a tapered surround towards the shoulders and head.
There are different types of coffins; those for burial only, those or cremation only and ones designed for green funerals and therefore biodegradable. Coffins can be made from various materials such as bamboo, banana leaf, cardboard, wool and cardboard. More traditionally, different woods that can be used are oak, cherry, maple, rosewood, willow.
Fittings such as brass handles or a name plate, different types of closures and come furnished interiors should be considered. Coffins really can be customised to suite most requirements but if course, all extras cost more. Always compare costs, both directly from manufactured and from the undertaker.
Funeral Stationery
There are many companies that are dedicated to producing quality funeral stationery. This is something that is going to be especially emotive as it will be a lasting tribute to the deceased, often with pictures, poems and stories about your loved one. A keepsake, something that will touch many on the day of the funeral. Types of stationary to consider are: orders of service, attendance cards, memorial cards, books of condolence, keepsakes.
It is quite a responsibility to take on and it is important that you are happy with the finished result. That is why it is important to shop around and use a company you feel comfortable communicating with.
Some funeral companies and crematoriums offer this service. Sometimes people choose to browse online for something they can design themselves. This way you can have a good idea of the finished product before it is too late.
Music
Funeral music is a very personal choice and quite often the deceased will have let it be known what music/hymns they want playing/singing and why. In which case it is just a case of organising it all. Ask the person conducting the service what format they would like the music in, ie; CD, mp3 etc.
If the deceased did not communicate any wishes regarding music, there are many online resources available through which you may find something suitable. Failing that, ask around friends and family for input. Someone might have an idea of a song or two that helps commemorate the person they have lost.
Eulogy
A Eulogy is a speech or piece of writing in praise of a person who has passed away. It is a daunting task to have to make a fitting tribute to a person and do them justice in a certain amount of words.
There are several online resources that can assist you in writing a eulogy. Here is a list of points to consider before you put pen to paper:
- What made them special?
- What were their favourite pastimes, interests, likes and dislikes?
- Ask friends and family for stories, memories and things they want to share.
- How did they impact your life and the lives of others?
- How do you think they would like to be remembered and what for?
- Think of some funny stories
- What could you share about their family?
- Ask other family members for stories about them
Practical tips for giving a eulogy:
- Decide on the tone. Are you going to be light hearted? Formal? Are you going to address it to the deceased or the congregation? Will it be a letter, poem or a simple few words?
- Structure – maybe begin by talking about their childhood and work through the highlights and milestones of their life.
- Practice! Read your eulogy out loud, even if it just to yourself, though a friend could offer advice and pointers.
- Take your time. Breathe slowly and don’t worry about becoming upset or having to take a few moments to collect yourself. This will be expected.
Get a Quote
If you want to be in charge of your own funeral you can do so with a prepaid funeral plan quote. If you want to learn more we have put together comprehensive information on funeral plans so you can make a fully informed decision.